Steven Caulker: ‘I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

29 June 2017 11:33
The QPR defender talks powerfully about his struggles with mental illness, his addictions to gambling and drinking and why he is thankful still to be aliveSteven Caulker has a tale to tell and, as hard as it is to hear, it is best simply to listen. His stream of consciousness veers from scoring on his England debut less than five years ago and the thrill at potential being realised to the horrific mental health issues that have almost ended it all in the period since. A player who, from the outside, appeared blessed with talent and opportunity speaks of desperate anxiety and self-loathing.He contemplated killing himself in his darkest moments with his path one of self-destruction. Attempts at escapism cost him hundreds of thousands of pounds, wages frittered away in casinos. Then came the drinking aimed at numbing the pain. The 25-year-old finds himself recalling the times spent in custody watching CCTV footage of his misdemeanours, his lawyer at his side, and not recognising the vile person on the screen. Related: ‘Draining, humbling, inspiring’: Steven Caulker’s life-changing Sierra Leone trip I’m addicted to winning, which people say is a positive in football, but certainly not when it extends to gamblingI’d be too intoxicated to go into training, and the black-outs . I’d have no memory of anythingAt 40% of my ability, I was playing at the top level. I want the chance to to show people what I am truly capable of Related: Clarke Carlisle on Aaron Lennon: ‘I don’t want anyone to experience what I did’ Continue readingreadfullarticle

Source: TheGuardian