Following a week in which:
- Bayern Munich lost TWO games of football.
- Man Utd went THREE points clear at the top of the Premier League.
- Chelsea scored FOUR goals against.Morecambe (ooohh you're hard).
We at 90min's DEPR headquarters decided that we should nab some quotes from the best films of 1990 to describe of the 15 best team's in Europes current situations.and then we remembered that Goodfellas came out in 1990 and opted to do a Goodfellas special instead (sorry Miller's Crossing, we love you too).
As far back as I can remember I always wanted to rank the best football teams in Europe for a living.
15. Olympique Lyonnais
"Now go home and get your f**kin’ shinebox.”
Unbelievably Olympique Lyonnais are still top of Ligue 1.
However, they are just one point clear of a PSG who just hired Mauricio Pochettino (aka one of the best managers in the world), so we fully expect Lyon to be put in their place pretty soon.
14. Barcelona
"What the f*ck are you doing? You're hanging around my f**kin' neck like a vulture, like impending danger."
On the pitch, things are going *whisper it* fairly well right now for Barcelona. They're unbeaten in nine, and set to play in the Supercopa de Espana final on Sunday.
Off the pitch, however, things aren't going so well. They have a €900m debt hanging around their neck like a vulture, like impending danger, that'll mean they may have to sell Lionel Messi regardless of who takes over as the club's new president. That ain't good.
13. Freiburg
"You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f**ked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f**kin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"
Freiburg are in this week's Definitive European Power Rankings.
Wait.why are you laughing at that?
You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f**ked up maybe, but that's funny how? Freiburg being in the Power Rankings amuses you? It makes you laugh?
Well it shouldn't, because Freiburg have won their last six games in all competitions. Put some respeck on their names.
12. Real Madrid
"You wasted eight aprons on that guy."
Real Madrid wasted €100m on that guy above.
That guy above who has played, in total, 32 games across all competitions at Real Madrid.
That guy above who has scored just three goals in two years at Real Madrid.
That guy above who is, clearly, woefully out of shape.
Eden Hazard is one of the biggest flop transfers in recent history.
11. Sporting CP
"To me, it meant being somebody in a neighbourhood full of nobodies."
Look, we know that you don't watch Liga NOS - very few people do outside of Portugal. So, as such, we know you don't really care about the fact that Sporting CP are still unbeaten in the league (11 wins and two draws to date) and are comfortably top of the table.
But, you know what? Sporting CP do.
To that club, it means something to be somebody in a league full of nobodies.
10. Borussia Monchengladbach
"One day some of the kids from the neighbourhood carried my mother's groceries all the way home. You know why? It was outta respect."
Outta respect for their uncanny ability to beat Bayern Munich (they've now beaten Bayern four times across the past four years.which is actually miraculous), we had to fire Borussia Monchengladbach straight into the DEPR top ten this week.
9. Liverpool
"See, your murderers come with smiles. They come as your friends, the people who have cared for you all of your life, and they always seem to come at a time when you’re at your weakest and most in need of their help.”
While Liverpool are at their weakest; while they're without Virgil van Dijk and without the sense to not play to central midfielders in defence (that was insanely dumb), the two Manchester clubs are coming after them.
Now, with their backs against the wall and at their most vulnerable, Liverpool need to beat an in-form Manchester United on Sunday.
Good luck!
8. AS Roma
"Murder was the only way that everybody stayed in line."
We're sooooo close to taking AS Roma seriously as Serie A title contenders, but in order to properly take them seriously I Giallorossi have to beat SS Lazio.
It's that simple.
Murdering Lazio's title hopes is the only way that Roma can announce themselves as genuine title contenders.
7. Rangers
"It's gonna be a good summer!"
Rangers fans, I think we all know that your team are comfortably going to win the SPFL.
Really, really, really comfortably win the SPFL.
So it's time to sit back and look forward to summer of slagging off Celtic fans about their club's bottling of the ten in a row. It's gonna be a good summer!
6. Manchester City
"Like you said to, uh, somebody, 'You're gonna like this guy. He's all right. He's a good fella. He's one of us.' You understand?"
Phil Foden is the perfect Pep Guardiola player, isn't he?
He's tiny (Pep likes tiny people), he's ridiculously gifted, and he can play through the middle or out wide. The kid's seriously special, and is dragging Man City back to relevancy this season with some outstanding performances.
5. Juventus
“Jimmy was the kind of guy who rooted for the bad guy in movies.”
In this season's Scudetto race, AC Milan are the good guys and reigning champions Juventus are the bad guys.
Juve are the big bad team who has won nine league titles on the bounce, and made Serie A 'boring' in some people's eyes.
AC Milan, on the other hand, with their youthful squad (bar Zlatan Ibrahimovic) are the team that the are making Serie A exciting again to the neutrals.
4. Bayern Munich
"In this day and age, what the f**k is this world coming to? I can't believe this."
Bayern have lost two games on the bounce.?
The team that lost just one game throughout the whole of 2020 have already lost two games in 2021.?
In this day and age, what the f**k is the football world coming to? Bayern losing two in a row? I can't believe this.
3. AC Milan
"I'm not mad, I'm proud of you. You took your first pinch like a man, and learned the two greatest things in life."
After their disappointing defeat to Juventus - their first defeat of the league season - AC Milan could've lost a bit of confidence.
But they didn't.
Instead, they went out the following week and beat Torino in both Serie A and the Coppa Italia. They took their first defeat like men - you have to rate that.
2. Manchester United
"Today, everything is different."
After 18 months of total domination by Liverpool, this week a team finally stepped up and knocked the Reds off their perch (maybe temporarily).
That team was Manchester United. The Red Devils, for the first time since 2017, are now at the top of the Premier League table and look, for the first time since Fergie left, like serious title contenders.
1. Atletico Madrid
“Now the guy’s got Paulie as a partner. Any problems, he goes to Paulie. Trouble with a bill, he can go to Paulie. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, Tommy, he can call Paulie."
Any problems Atletico Madrid have defensively, goalkeeper Jan Oblak sorts it out. A forwards gets a shot off on goal, Oblak will save it. A corner, free kick or cross from the flank is whipped into the box, Oblak will pick it off.
When you have a world class goalkeeper like Oblak, your team has nothing to worry about.
Source: 90min
