Rating All the Tottenham Hotspur Players From the Spurs Cricket Video

26 November 2020 07:00

It's a good time to be a Spurs player. You're top of the league, Jose Mourinho is buying your players big hams (and posting like a late-2000s era 15-year-old on Instagram, for some reason) and you're.playing cricket?

You're playing cricket. Indoor, one-batsman cricket. Like all the best Wednesday afternoons in a spare sports hall at uni.

Obviously we're going to overanalyse their cricketing chops on the nine minutes (nine minutes! Thank you, Spurs' media team!) of video we've got. In some vague order.


Ben Davies

First up to bat is Ben Davies, the silent 'W' in the England and Wales 'ECB' Cricket Board. Facing a field that looks to have a long on, mid off, straight long off, extra cover and the straightest midwicket of all time, plus a single slip, he faces up with a fairly normal looking stance and--

and--

Hang on, Matthew Doherty what is that?

Matt Doherty, bowling from mid-off | Tottenham Hotspur/Youtube

That's a back foot no ball, for a start. He's bowling from mid-off! It's also floaty filth from a man who looks like he's had the concept of bowling explained to him, but whose body simply refuses to grasp the mechanics. It's still punished square on the off side. Decent shot.

A big booming straight drive and a little drop and (don't, actually) run to the leg side confirm that Davies has actually got some technique and a reasonable eye – which, of course, is the point that he tries to guide one off the back foot on the off side and gets dropped behind by Eric Dier. It's a really hard shot, guys.

Next up, half-tracker, big outside edge, snaffled nicely. Sergio Reguilon comes sliding in on his arse from mid on to celebrate. NEXT.

The face of happiness | Tottenham Hotspur/YouTube

Harry Kane

Matt Doherty still with ball in hand for reasons unknown to man or god, and Kane whips one off his legs to get off the mark, Joe Hart absolutely racing over to field. Joe Hart Cares About Cricket. This is going to become a theme.

A flat-batted thwack and an LBW appeal from Jack Clarke (who, unlike Doherty, actually looks like a bowler) pass, more Irish filth gets slogged around with a reasonable amount of timing and very little technique, then one more sweet straight drive brings on.


Joe Hart

This is a Joe Hart section now, we don't make the rules. Cheers from the assembled fielders. Left-arm over. Pacy. Bouncer. Ducked. Kane is, and this isn't artistic license, visibly nervous to be facing him, and has a little chuckle when he survives the first ball. Harry. It's a tennis ball. It's not going to hurt you.

Another short ball. A fuller one, that Kane blocks out. Gareth Bale giggles his way over to field at slip, because – and this is the thing that you should probably know about Joe Hart – he was in Worcestershire's academy for a couple of years before he decided to be a footballer instead. He's actually good at cricket.

That's probably why he's decided to telegraph all of his bouncers by bowling them from over the wicket. Right up until he doesn't, that is, and stays over the wicket to trim the off bail and leave Kane with every batsman's least favourite pose.

Ah, mate | Tottenham Hotspur/YouTube

Reguilon does another arse slide.


Eric Dier

Absolutely clatters Jack Clarke – not wearing shoes, just socks, presumably because he's a child – at a very short point first ball. Funny. Harry Kane's bowling, and it's.eh. It's fine. It's quite stiff, but he's not chucking it. Needs to get his front arm up, really, and actually get his body through it. Not the point. Eric Dier.

He skies one and gets dropped (one-handed, off the wall) by the absolutely calamitous Matt Doherty – this is why Ireland should never have Test status – before the single greatest leave in the history of organised (or, indeed, disorganised) cricket.

Eric Dier might be the next Bradman | Tottenham Hotspur/YouTube

Look at that picture and try and imagine it not sending the leg bail spinning away about 0.001 seconds later! You can't do it! Do you know how deliberately you have to leave a ball like that on height, on leg stump? Doesn't even flinch. Little Dikembe Mutombo finger wag at the bails and back to business. I am terrified of Eric Dier, and oh my god none of that matters because Sergio Reguilon is about to do something that isn't slide in on his arse.


Sergio Reguilon

It's hard to call it bowling, exactly, but it's a jerky slingy side-arm thing that's definitely a chuck but look at him! He's so happy!

No, it shouldn't look like that | Tottenham Hotspur/YouTube

Two balls of that, and then Dele Alli is way worse. Gives up and just throws it. Gets absolutely creamed. Deserves it. Try, mate.

Dier keeps absolutely bashing it until he top edges one to a slip who I'm reliably informed is something called a 'Harvey White', who bats left-handed and, to be fair, looks like an absolute gun until Dele takes a cracking diving, one-handed catch off the ceiling. That means it's time for.


Matt Doherty

Out first ball caught behind the wicket by Gareth Bale holy jesus Matt Doherty is so bad at cricket.


Joe Hart, Again

Bowls left, bats right. Joe Hart is my new favourite cricketer who exists, except Sergio Reguilon. He smashes a few around (mostly off Kane, but Ben Davies pings one down with a nice little action while Bale shouts about foot movement, because Gareth Bale loves shouting.

He nails a pull shot off the leg-side wall, straight into the grasping left hand of Jack Clarke, before pulling up stumps and taking what we have to assume is his own personal cricket set home.


How Good Are Spurs Players at Cricket Then?

Ben Davies: 7/10 – Shockingly proficient.

Gareth Bale: 8/10 – Didn't bat or bowl, but took one good catch and understands that cricket is mostly about shouting and laughing at people.

Matt Doherty: 0/10 – Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad.

Harry Kane: 6/10 – Gets the ball from one end to the other, with both bat and ball.

Joe Hart: 9/10 – He bowls nice left-arm seam and bats right handed.

Eric Dier: 8/10 – Can we take a moment to talk about the fact that he seems to be the actual designated keeper, and wears keeping gloves? No indoor cricket set in the world comes with keeping gloves. Where did they come from? Also, gun bat.

Jack Clarke: 8/10 – Yeah, Yorkshire.

Harvey White: 7/10 – Definitely playing in this game because they were short on players and put a shout in the WhatsApp group. Every 3rd XI captain's been there.

Sergio Reguilon: 10/10 – Arse slides, pure delight, better bowling action than Dele Alli, get that man another ham.


For more from Chris Deeley, you can follow him on Twitter at @ThatChris1209!


Source: 90min