Spoil Sport
16 September 2009 - 16:36
by Leo Kent
England has qualified for the World Cup. Hooray, I'm filled with enthusiam. Perhaps it’s the new Savile Row tailored kit that has given them a necessary boost. Is it unnecessary and ridiculous to get a Savile Row tailor to design a football kit? I think so, especially when the outcome is just a smarter version of the old polyester number. If they are going this far they might as well go the whole hog: print the image of a three-piece suit onto the kit. That would be really classy.
Camouflage me up buttercup
From national to club football, kits go from the understated to the psychotic. Partick Thistle F.C. is sporting a camouflage kit this season. It looks like something I imagine might be worn at a Bulgarian discotheque. The most terrifying kit however is found in Spain at Getafe. This is the stuff of nightmares. Their sponsor, Burger King, are not satisfied with simply dominating the front of the shirt with its revolting logo but, when one does the shirt-over- the- head celebration, the leering face of the bearded King himself appears.
The King is dead
I think certain conventions need to be broken. Let’s start with banning sponsorship. I mean it’s not as if football has turned into a monstrous money-making- machine. I’m sure footballers will be happy to play for free. Once Burger King and Samsung et al bugger off, the teams can start jazzing things up a bit.
Why do footballers always wear shorts and socks? I reckon Fred Perry-esque slacks are the answer. Boots could be replaced with winklepickers and cardigans introduced for the colder months. Maybe the goalkeepers could wear Jodhpurs. If they miss the ball with their hands there is always a chance they would catch it in the overhang of the seat of their pants. The referees could wear tweed plus-fours and in the garter of their stockings they could carry a small dagger instead of the insipid red and yellow cards. I think that would spice up the FA's RESPECT campaign. Take that you diving little sh*t.
Catwalk
Then at half time, instead of solemnly sucking on orange quarters in the changing room, they could set up a catwalk on the pitch and the footballers could parade along it in their kits. Yes, this is a great idea, you could have a panel of judges, say, Anna Wintour, Mario Testino and…Harry Redknapp. Beckham would excel at this. The team with the best kit could get awarded an extra point or goal, or whatever you call it. If the game is a draw this could be vital in deciding the outcome and avoid the tedious rigmarole of penalties. I’d definitely watch that. Until next time...