In life there are winners, losers, and then there are jowly sports journalists who have decided to get married, and, as friends put it, are – “punching massively above their weight.” It’s a fair point, in my case the cat has got the cream, but unfortunately it's full fat and I really couldn’t help myself.
The impending nuptials to a glamorous fiancée, side-boob insecurities, and a quest to see one’s Johnson again, prompted a leap into the unknown, and a vow to climb the biggest mountain of them all – the London Marathon.
“You can F**k off to Barcelona”
Training began in a post Christmas pit of despair on Boxing Day with a 30 minute run which took the stilton and turkey sweats to a new level of salty goodness. The running continued and the rivers of pain seeped from every pour, with observers in South London’s parks cajoling and encouraging in their inimitable manner - running in my Cesc Fabregas shirt one onlooker remarked – “Bloody hell! Fabregas has put on weight – you can F**k off to Barcelona.” Spoken like a true poet, I took the abuse as affectionate encouragement although the comparisons to a sweaty hobbit in the office became all too familiar.
Fear not though, kindly assistance from my fairy godmother awaited just around the corner. My unlikely saviour? Billion dollar multi-national corporation Nike, kindly waved their wand, took me under their wing, and offered me a solution to what had become a permanently moist mess.
Armed with a new pair of Nike Equalon 4’s, assisted by my very own Nike + sports band which measures your distance run, calories, pace, and time, I developed a new and previously undiscovered appetite for exercise.
Tooled up and ready to do battle with the streets, I felt like King Kong on creatine ready to climb the Empire State building. My enjoyment of evening runs home from work increased tenfold, I had targets, goals, and focus – I even found myself looking forward to the sweat fest. I won’t go as far as saying my life changed, but my life insurance quote certainly did. But I will give one crucial piece of advice – Vaseline is your new best friend.
Greggs and beyond
As the weight fell off and my crown jewels reappeared, I found myself consistently hitting my target of 10-minute miles.
Frequent training plus eating a balanced diet rather than Greggs the bakers’ finest pork rolls and ice glazed Yum Yums; suddenly a fragile belief in my own barrel body began to build. Then with a month to go one morning, I managed to complete a 19-mile run in 3.5 hours, a length of time I would normally set aside to devour mum’s Sunday roast.
All I can say to all marathon hopefuls is this, it can be done. Now, with the last few hours in sight, the phantom pains are starting to develop, but if I can stay out of the fridge and give my all on the day, the good people at Concern Universal will be happy…and more importantly we can help the men, women, and children suffering from poverty in Africa have a better life.
All the gear but no idea: -
Nike Zoom Equalon+4
£95
Nikestore.co.uk
The Facts:
- Ideal for severe overpronators.
- Breathable mesh for comfort.
- A mix of rubbers and a Waffle pattern for durability and traction.
- Nike + Ready
The Reality:
A life-saver for my particular inward and overpronation. Extremely light-weight but also durable, without these I doubt I would have the legs to last the full hog. Quite simply – made a chubby man feel like an athlete, and they say that is half the battle.
An obvious point - but never scrimp on your footwear – you will only pay the price in the long-run. No pun intended
Nike Sphere Men's Running Shirt
£24
Nikestore.co.uk
The Facts:
- Ultra-lightweight running apparel with zoned cooling for maximum breathability and reflective features for added visibility.
- Dri-FIT fabric to wipe sweat away and help keep you dry and comfortable, mesh crew-neck and mesh sides and back panel.
The Reality:
Now, for all first time marathon runners the fear of ending up a bloody mess in the moobs area is a major concern. However the delicate and light material made running easy, and limited the possibilities of the dreaded word that no virgin runner want to hear - chafing. Despite this I would still recommend taping up. Vaseline is your insurance policy. But this top is also a fetching red and white – which embodies my first love and religion – the Arsenal.
Nike+ SportBand
£42
Nikestore.co.uk
The Facts:
- New shock absorbent design, a sharper, more defined screen and improved accuracy.
- 16 hours of running information that it receives from a sensor located in the runner’s Nike+ enabled footwear.
- The Nike+ family also includes the Nike+ SportKit, Nike+ GPS iPhone App and the newly launched Nike+ SportWatch GPS.
The Reality:
I am aiming for 10-minute miles. Without this little band my training programme would have not existed. While rival software and bands boast so called added features Nike + is simple and engaging for the newbie runner, allowing you to concentrate on dropping the pounds and getting on with the training. Plus on the day it will give you the confidence that I need to carry on – in theory anyway. There are more advanced models if you want to get more technical – but I’m a layman so I followed the basic models.
The Nike Cyclone Jacket
£72
Nikestore.co.uk
The Facts:
- Fends off light wind and rain without holding you back.
- Reflective elements enhance visibility during low-light runs, and underarm grommets boost ventilation.
The Reality:
A great piece of weaponry in your locker for those wet and windy practice runs. Plus a great layer to keep you warm in the build up to the start line. Again, it helps you visualise yourself as a real athlete. And it looks great.
And a runner’s best friend: -
Vaseline Petroleum Jelly
Rage of sizes: From £1.22
The Facts:
- A mixture of mineral oils, paraffin and microcrystalline waxes, which create a smooth jelly.
- The formulation allows the jelly to melt into skin, locking itself in place to protect skin from the elements.
The Reality:
Quite simply a runner’s secret weapon - You can never use too much I am told. If you want to keep your sensitive areas sensitive don’t hold back. When its red it’s roar, and when it’s roar there’s no turning back. You will be walking like Liam Gallagher for weeks – and no one wants that.